Intimacy, Surrender, Identity

Something God is teaching me in this season of my life is true surrendering. 

The past 6 months I have been trying to add so many seemingly good things to my life. New habits, people, more classes, more books, volunteering, new routine, more jobs, new trends, different gym, and anything else I thought would enhance who I was in a situation.  I tried with my own strength to leave behind unfulfilling habits by adding new ones. I began to get restless and would beat myself up anytime I “messed up”. 

In this season of my life, I began to lose a lot of people I did life with the most. I was striving to be what everyone wanted me to be, except that was different for every person. I wasn’t sure what I needed to do– if I am adding all these things into my life that society (or even some that God’s word) says I need, why aren’t I the person He has called me to be? And if I’m being all these different identities to these people, then who am I really? 

A lot of times the things in our life that we want to fix is really a heart issue rather than a circumstance issue. I learned that our own humanity or someone else’s humanity shouldn’t affect our worth. In any conversation past, future, or present, we have to learn to take truth and leave hurt. To do that, we need to know The Truth. The word of God needs to be hidden in our hearts for when the battles come. Even when the battles come, be still and know that He is God. (Psalm 46:10).

I came to a point towards the end of this season where I realized I wasn’t surrendering at all. I was simply praying for help and clarity and for God to just show up… to which I found myself alone with Him. 

Hebrews 13:5

“Never will I leave you;
    never will I forsake you.”

I want to act like who he says I am because he is set apart and I am in awe of Him. He is Holy, like no other. Because of who he is, he acts as an assurance even when I am not acting righteously. I heard Jackie Hill Perry say it like this,

“His holiness is not at stake, but who God says I am is at stake. You need to feel confident in the identifier so when you mess up you don’t have to question who/ whose you are.”

With The Perry’s (on youtube)

I think the answer all along was not to add all these different things to my life but to let him subtract them. God wants us all to himself, finding our relationship with him in a place of intimacy and full surrender. It is a joy having faith in a good God that will subtract something from your life to heal your heart and then give you 2x as much! Give him your problems, and he will take our shame and guilt… but now we have to walk in that freedom by being in awe of him and wanting to be obedient.

*Read Job 1 and then 42:10*

If someone or something is no longer in your life because of XYZ, what really matters is how God’s power and strength in you are used and magnified through it all. I was not abandoned or failing like I thought I was. I didn’t need all these extra things to enhance who I was. I didn’t need to please others like I thought I did. 

I just needed HIM. Someone once told me, “maybe you were made by Him to be strong for such a time as this…”

Esther 4:14

¹⁴ For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”

Memorization:

Philippians 4:6-8

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Hi! I am Amanda Holt! I am a senior at the University of Tennessee at Knoxville. I am studying to become a certified Child Life Specialist in Children’s Hospitals. This is a field of professionals “educated and clinically trained in the developmental impact of illness and injury. Their role helps improve patient and family care, satisfaction, and overall experience,” (ACLP 2022).  Because kids can be in stressful and traumatic situations, CCLS’s goals are to help them cope with their fear, lack of control, and confusion. 

Some other random information about me—I love to travel, my favorite place I’ve ever been to is Nice, France with my Aunt. My favorite animal is frogs and I love being outside. I have a huge passion for connecting with people.I love anything fitness and all things food.I am an enneagram 4 wing 3! (: